Keys to Surviving the Rough Stuff
- Alexis T. Lakins
- Apr 12, 2019
- 9 min read
Updated: Apr 23, 2019
Fine print: We are not the experts, God is.
People weren’t kidding when they said “life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.” And Luke Combs wasn’t kidding when he said, “when it rains, it pours.” But the last cliche quote I must share to wrap up the phases of life is:
DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
““God may sometimes let you hit rock bottom to show you He is your rock.”
My husband and I will be the first to admit that we have weathered what seems like too much. We have been bombarded with opportunities to find ourselves, make choices and learn right from wrong, and to find out the hard way what is important in life. The biggest thing that I have come to know is that everything we hope for and set expectations for, is not a destination. There is no “we finally made it!” Of course we have to have some general idea of where we are going, goals, and intentions so we can see the big picture but again, it’s not about constantly evaluating “are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” The focus should not be some variation of a “finish line.” Instead, it’s an every day focus on the journey itself; putting one foot in front of the other and just doing your best to move forward TOGETHER. The focus together should be on TRUTH. Not what others believe to be true or what works for others’ ideals about relationships, but real truth, that can be applied to all relationships.
Travis and I took some time to think about a few things we would consider the “secret formula” to making it through some of the toughest times of our lives. Here were our final answers:
Common Goals
So, I think we could work on perfecting our simplified, team goals so that we have a common vision (and even verbiage) but we are on a pretty good track! So, let's focus on the two main themes we agreed on:
GOD
“ But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. ” -Mathew 6:33
We agree! This is #1. We know that if we want to be successful on this journey, putting Him first is key. We’ve experienced this first hand. When we lean on the word and lessons in the bible, we find ourselves fulfilled and peaceful. When we lean on our own understanding (or others') we feel alone, confused, distant, and as if we our drowning.
The trouble we run into is matching our values and our beliefs with our applied, everyday behaviors. What I mean is, I think both Travis and I are great people who cherish God and His word but when it comes to applying that to every day struggles that aren’t completely spelled out for us in the chapters of the bible, it’s super tough. Sometimes His word conflicts our own flesh and desires, sometimes it creates havoc with friends or family that also struggle applying God’s word to advice or decisions. Sometimes choosing the path of the Lord is flat out HARD. The reality is, the relationship with the Lord and your own spirit is the same as any other relationship, it is about the journey. We can constantly grow in our faith. As for Travis and I, we have found a direct correlation: improve our relationship with the Lord = improved relationship within our marriage. Improving our understanding of what the Lord calls Travis to be as a husband and what the Lord calls me to be as a wife has made all the difference. HE is the truth, the light, the way.
So where do we get wisdom? How to we learn how apply? It’s like anything else: what is the good in learning if we don’t know how to apply it? It’s like learning percentages, multiplication and division yet not knowing how to calculate the tip you should leave at a restaurant. We wanted to move from being people who post bible quotes, to followers who understand the message and are able to apply that to anything we face. We aren’t there yet but I’m proud to say we are getting there and things are getting easier. Here are a few things that have helped us study and apply:
1. The bible app.. or other fun, applicable, relevant learning materials. We complete plans together, as a couple, and as individuals. The app allows us to start relevant plans that relate to specific things we are going through internally or together. These lessons teach us stories in the bible and then asks us relevant questions that get us thinking about how we could use this stuff in real life. It’s really cool to say the least. I remember in school always asking myself “why do I need to know this?” The bible app never fails to show us how we can actively apply what we are learning to our marriage (and all relationships for that matter). I also found an app called Breakaway and it has this amazing video (above) on marriage and closely talks about some of the things in this post! Breakaway tackles a lot of touch topics that we won't cover today as well; it covers topics that most people struggle exploring biblically (porn, addiction, depression, what the devil looks like, sex, suicide, corruption, and more!) Explore some learning materials and find something that works for you and your honey!
2. Role models/mentors (not friends or family...although they absolutely rock, too). We fortunately have two sets of people that have came into our lives and made a tremendous difference. First off, these people have ideal marriages and a true Godly model of what marriage should look like (no one marriage is going to be the same or perfect but we sure hope to be more like them!). One couple is Matt and Leslie Holiday. They have made a life of counseling and mentoring others (listen to how powerful of a woman Leslie is here). They are also experts in the baseball lifestyle so can talk relatively about similar struggles. In addition to the Hollidays, we have Steve Scalici, our hometown pastor. He and his wife and the Hollidays, in a very short amount of time, have helped preserve our marriage. We are so thankful for these relationships and we pray that all couples have someone like them for guidance. There has never been a time that they haven’t used God’s word for application to our trials. They don’t just use verses to adapt to what we want to make happen personally, but real truth about what God would want us to do as a husband and as a wife. Although friends and family are usually wise beyond our own years, they see us and our situations as individuals and are very naturally bias; They have a hard time seeing the big marriage picture and a couple as ONE. We strongly recommend a neutral, Godly couple that can speak life into you.
COMMUNICATION
We are sorry to say it but we have to: every single person who has ever busted your closed-off, angry, stubborn-butt bubble by telling you to “communicate,” they are geniuses and you should listen to them. A lack of communication has put us through the works and on the flip side, the presence of communication has pulled us from lots of trouble, and I know we are not the only ones who would say the same! Now let’s say we all know that: “yes, we get is Alexis, communication is key!” Now what? Again, how do we go about doing that? How do we apply that knowledge? To be honest people, I have no clue, still. I struggle with only knowing one part to communication, talking! I am working every day to become a better communicator by learning the second, most important piece to communication which is listening! I’m going to pat myself on the back here though because despite having a long long long way to go, I’ve come so far. And Travis has too! And we know you can, too! Here are a few things we have done to improve communication (although we’d like to note everyone’s interactions are different and you should find what works for you!):
1. Know your audience. Know who you are speaking to! Everyone has a different way of being motivated, of being receptive. So, you must slow your role and figure out what the best tone and delivery is dependent upon your audience (significant other, kid, spouse, etc). Travis and I are both super sensitive individuals, so we have to be delicate about both tone and delivery for the best results for the conversations. Also, I know that I am a whirlwind of thoughts and if I’m not careful, I can bring up so many points (a, b, c, d, e, etc) that Travis can miss the point all together. Come on ladies, we know men are pretty simple creatures.. know your audience.. I suck at this sometimes). So, I’ve now focused on being gentle and to the point. Travis knows that I am thinking a, b, c, d, e so instead of “sounds good to me,” he elaborates now so we are both making strides with knowing each other, aka our audience.
2. Don’t shoot the messenger, you are a team! When someone presents a topic, it’s often easy to get defensive immediately. Thus, we create a sense of offense and defense (separate teams) instead of the same team. I think “don’t shoot the messenger” can also be applied because when someone communicates, “hey man, I really don’t appreciate when you do ____,” we immediately want to shoot that messenger. How dare they say that! I do EVERYTHING and they want to complain about THIS???? OK sassy sally, calm your britches. In this scenario, revealing Ralph is just trying to reveal some feelings AND COMMUNICATE which is a really good thing. Revealing Ralph is simply the messenger for some thoughts going on up in the noggin so calm down, receive the information and be sensitive, compassionate SALLY instead. Think about what you are doing to contribute the problem, work as a team, and come up with a game plan. Travis and I are now a team (even though it’s still so tough sometimes because we are both so competitive and always want to be right!)
3. God can do all things, including turning us crappy communicators into solid ones. So, what does god say about communication? I can dive into many places for this one but I’ll keep it simple to wrap up this lesson with James 1:19-21: “My dear brothers and sisters, always be more willing to listen that to speak (AMEN AMEN AMEN). Keep control of your anger. Anger does not help you live the way God wants. So get rid of everything evil in your lives – every kind of wrong you do. Be humble and accept God’s teaching that is planted in your hearts. This teaching can save you.”
During struggles, it’s so hard to understand. How many have you or someone you know said, “but you promised” when you’ve been treated unfairly? I know I have. I know Travis has. We’ve looked back to the vows and the bond we made and committed to, and we’ve felt as if we’ve fallen short of our promises. We haven’t always being patient, we haven’t always been kind, we haven’t always been one through the worst of times. BUT, that feeling of failure came from the idea that we should have already been somewhere, that we should already be somewhere. That feeling of failure came from the fact that we were asking ourselves, “are we there yet” instead of saying “wow, this ride is a blessing.” The smallest shift in perspective of this has helped the negativity shift to positivity seemingly overnight; Now, instead of “but you promised” as if the other has failed, we now understand that those vows are our vision, our goal, our intentions. We do not drop our chins because we aren’t there yet, we smile because we are heading there. We look to get closer to the perfect love that God describes through His word and communication. I will never get tired of the commitment we made on November 24th of 2017:
Travis and I believe that if couples can focus on God and improve their communication through that wisdom on their tongues, they can make it through what seems like the worst and they can be prepared for anything that is to come. We have lived it. We are living it. and we just want to see others to see how great He and His lessons are in their own lives.
We leave you with a prayer:
“Heavenly Father, we thank you. We thank you for the trials and the short comings. We thank you for the blessings and the gifts. We thank you for closed doors and our triumphs. We praise you in all things because we know through you all things are possible. We pray that you improve our ability to apply your word to our lives; to not only know your word but practice it. We pray that we lean and trust in You instead of our own understanding. We pray not that we detour around the hard times in our lives but that we see you and your goodness in the works. We pray for all marriages and relationships to flourish in You, Lord. Please help us to be kind and good listeners. To be compassionate and gentle. We pray that every day we become closer to you and know that is the only way to become closer to each other. We pray that in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
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